So, apparently moving 3000 miles away from my grandparents doesn’t exempt me from the crazy.
Here’s the story as I know it.
First, some background.
My grandparents live in a 2 story colonial house in Connecticut. They have a large backyard with a pool, and (for reasons that will be important later) there is a shed in the back corner of the backyard. This is a blue, 10 x 10 shed that houses all of the pool things, including the pool pump and filter, but also holds all of the pool toys, the pool vacuum, and is winter storage for some of the lawn furniture.
Now, for reasons that are still not entirely clear to me, on a crisp clear fall morning, my 89 year old grandfather decided that this shed needed to go.
Now, the rational thing that one might expect from an 89 year old, is to perhaps call his sons (my 3 uncles live within 10 miles of my grandparents) and discuss this. Perhaps come up with some sort of plan to figure out this whole shed business. At least discuss it in some way.
This is not how my grandfather operates.
Instead, one day, without telling anyone, least of all my grandmother, he empties the shed of its contents and goes to town on it with a sledgehammer.
I can wait while this image of a 5’5″ 89 year old Irishman wildly destroying a shed with a sledgehammer sinks in.
Back with me? Good.
So with the shed at least partially destroyed, he finally has the thought to call on of my Uncles. But what does he say on the phone? Does he mention the shed at all? Does he elaborate on his plans? Of course not, that would be inefficient. Instead he simply asks when my Uncle can get a cement truck to show up at his house so they can pour a foundation for the new shed.
My Uncle does not, and never has had any connection to any cement business, or anything that would suggest that he has any type of access to a cement truck.
My Uncle furiously goes into stalling mode. He asks if my Grandfather has gotten the proper permits for the shed. Grumpily, my grandfather replies that, no he has not got any stinking permits.
My uncle, seeing an opportunity to escape with his sanity, agrees to call the city and get all of the proper paperwork in order. This successfully buys them (my uncles) a few weeks of planning time. However, when he calls the city, they city promptly goes “What shed?” They were never informed that the original shed ever existed on the property.
So we flash forward to a few days ago. Planning has been commenced, and they are looking at options on how to get a new shed in the backyard. They have decided that there is no way they are building a shed in the backyard, but the gate into the backyard is too small to fit a full shed without the use of a crane (which they have looked into, and deemed not that it is an insane idea to rent a crane, but that it is cost prohibitive).
My mother then receives the following update from my grandmother.
The following email is the ENTIRE email text that my mother (and her brothers) got from my grandmother.
“dad had a tooth pulled at 2pm, no problem, as of now is out —shed of course.
we went to two places, the barnyard and kloter farms===barnyard only will build themselves.
kloter==will build only, but they have a kit, shed 2160 and kit 695, we have to go with the kit as they “might” have a small machine to bring in their equipment. our gate might be too small, (we have measure) so that might be another problem, but dad thought it good be moved. any suggestions?
My mother calls my father and myself over, and we read the email over her shoulder. Various attempts at decoding this message are had.
We then receive the following translation attempt from my uncle (the one who initially got the phone call about the cement truck.)
“Well [My Father, who has previously attempted these email translations] is usually much better at this but I’ll give it a shot.
This is what Google Translate suggested when I asked for ‘[My Grandmother] to English’.
Dad had a tooth pulled and there were no issues with the procedure and he is feeling fine. He is out back working on the shed.
They visited two local places that build shed. The Barnyard only builds the shed on-site. Kolter Farms will apparently build the shed but they also have a kit that you can put together yourself. The pre-built is $2160, the kit is $695. The pre-built solution is delivered to the house but the machine they have might be too big to fit through the gate. But I’m lost on that last part about Dad thinking something would be good moved.”
We are DYING. What does “Good Moved even mean?!”
Luckily my other uncle steps in.
“I thought Dad was out, meaning he was sleeping after the dental work. And, I think he went with the built out version and that he thought the gate ‘would” not ‘good’ be moved to accommodate the finished product.
So if that is somewhat close to what is really happening, we need to make sure the forms as we have them match with the foundation needs of the new selection (which hopefully is not particle board). Can they find that out?”
We cannot breathe anymore. Laughing so hard it hurts.
Notice the contradicting interpretation. One uncle thinks that my grandfather being “out” means he’s out working on the shed. The other thinks it means he is “out” or passed out on the couch.
I got nothing.
At least this isn’t my responsibility anymore…